Putting the self back in confidence
When I ask my coaching clients the single biggest thing they are looking for, it's confidence. To do the thing they've always wanted to do, to commit to the relationship even if it isn't perfect, to deal with that difficult family thing, to be a better parent.
This led me to wonder, why are we all so desperately seeking confidence?
In part, I think it's because as women we have been socialized to always doubt ourselves. We have internalized that we are not enough or we are too much or we are worth-less, or our worth is tied up in specific roles (daughter, wife, mother) instead of just because we exist. Throughout school we are called upon less, rewarded for our "goodness", shamed if we are bad. In our careers, we are valued less (literally), talked over and passed over. In relationships or with family we might even make ourselves smaller so that others can take up more space.
How can we overcome this gap in perception about what we are capable of? With others and in our own minds? Well, as always the answer is simple, but it's not easy. There are actually two kinds of confidence, and I’m here to advocate for the second…if you want to achieve transformational results in your life.
The type of confidence we often think of comes from doing something over and over until you know you can continue on without fear. Like riding a bike, or playing an instrument or doing math. We practice something to the extent that we have mastered it, drastically reducing the risk of embarrassment or humiliation.
Self-confidence on the other hand, comes from the knowledge that if you try something new and fail, while you may feel embarrassed or humiliated, you will find the learning and (gasp!) BE OK! Your "self" isn't compromised because you are failing forward in service of your purpose. And like any muscle, the more you practice this, the better you become at taking risk which equates to more growth.
The opposite of self-confidence is self-doubt. This is the part of your brain that reminds you of all the negative reasons why you can't achieve your dreams. Some of them are deeply rooted in our past and aren't very useful. Write down all of the thoughts your brain offers you in self-doubt. Then, flip the script and write all of the thoughts that your brain COULD offer you instead. Then the real work begins. Use those thoughts to drive the actions that create the results in your life (again, if you flip it, your doubtful thoughts have ALSO created the results you have in your life...unfortunately).
This is truly the only way to create transformation in your life so you can live your life with purpose and reclaim your inner badass!