Are you gaslighting yourself?

Provocative, Ikr?

But consider for a moment...

Gaslighting is described as a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim's mind. Typically, gaslighters are seeking to gain power and control over the other person, by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition.

Self-doubt? Confusion? These come up every time I am coaching, whether it's with a client or myself. Because self-doubt and confusion are two indulgent emotions that so often paralyze us, causing us to question our own decisions, actions and reactions. Our own brain is the abuser of our ability to grow by defaulting to comfortable and expected thoughts. We are the ones distorting our own reality resulting in lack of confidence in our own judgment, keeping us stuck in spaces that no longer fit. 

One big contributor to our own gaslighting is people pleasing. As women, we are socialized from an early age to first care about what others think before we consider our own feelings. And then, to our own detriment at times, ignore ourselves in favor of making everyone else happy. When we do that, we are making decisions that cause us to abandon ourselves, leading us to a "Yes, but..." mindset. We think we know the right decision for us, but lean into the pressure brought by the pleasing. Example: I'm not happy in my relationship (the yes) but everyone else thinks we are perfect for each other. 

So what's the antidote? I'm partial to an idea that I came across in this post. It's the simple solve of replacing your "Yes, but.." with "Yes, and.." Revised example: I'm not happy in my relationship (the yes) and I have the power to improve or change it.

Who knew that swapping out one three-letter word for another could be so transformative?

This may be simple, but it's not easy. What I love most about it is that it opens the door to curiosity which is always the best place to be in every situation because it allows us to look at something from a neutral place, while also leaving room for others to have an opinion. More importantly it holds space for us to decide the approach that pleases us, not others.